To my bestfriend (in heaven)

Tonight, Lay Me Down, suddenly popped out of my playlist and I thought of you.

followed by Mariah’s Bye Bye.

I knew I will be doomed.

I miss you, big time! No words can accurately describe how I feel but this is not even close. I love you, my heart hurts so much.

I wish I could understand the reason for why you had to leave. 2 years have passed and as I go through my life I always think about what if.

What if we get to be together a little longer.

What if you get to live a little more.

What if you made the right choices.

I just miss making plans with you. We had soooo much plan that never included this. It only feels like yesterday. Everything happened in just like a snap and it feels like just as soon as you came, you were taken away.

I still have your videos saved, I just can’t delete it. I play it every single time I miss you.

I have so much to talk to you about like how my bad dreams are bugging me, work, and more. I don’t have anyone to read my (bad) stories anymore. I have no more confidence in writing because I, my worst critic is doing her job..

I thank God for every day and many times in between for a blessing like you. Enjoy your rest my dear. Sing your heart out. I hope heaven is everything you thought it would be.

One day I will see you again. And we can spend so much time catching up not giving a damn about how much time we have left. So for now, I am sure that you’re happy, I am too. It’s just that I wish there’s a yearly phone call to heaven for all the people we love. Haha

Until we meet again. I’ll be okay, don’t worry.

Well, I’m lost right now. But at least, I can see the moon up here

I promise ❤

Ps: please be a woman in afterlife so that my mom and venise’s will allow you to have a sleepover with us.

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To my grandparents in heaven,

I always remember both of you

Today,

the pouring rain reminds me so much of you.

right now, all I wanted is just a tight warm hug from both of you.

I miss you terribly,

you of all people, know me soooo well.

And understand me so well.

You both know exactly what it’s like to be me.

My heart hurts.

I want a group hug but right now all I can do is cry.

sometimes I cry with tears,

sometimes I cry with thoughts.

I miss eating champorado and tuyo with you. Champorado and tuyo will never taste the same.

wow this is so personal

TO MY FUTURE LOVE

You.

There will be times when I will do nothing but love you very much unconditionally. However there will also be times when I am a raging river who will use the force of a powerful current to push you away from me and drag you underwater.

I will tell you I love you a hundred times a day, but I will only fill those words with so much feeling when you’re fast asleep and cannot hear the words I say.

I will have moments when I will not want to touch you, in fear that I will burn you if I do.

I will have moments when I can’t get enough of you.

I won’t tell you if I am filled with sadness or anger, so I am sorry if I expect you to just hug me when I feel this way.

I will not want your sympathy, yet I will want your understanding.

I may have days when I will not let you touch my scars, because they will remind me of how terrible I am, even if you will call them beautiful.

There will be days when I will shut you out with force of thousand suns

There will be days when I will share a light on ever aspect of my life.

I wish you will be able to understand me. I will make you understand me. I will do the same.

I will argue with you but I will never nag on you.

For all of this, I am deeply sorry.

But once I decided to break down my walls,

I will love you with everything I have, and I hope that that is enough to make you stay.

So wherever you are, please do not let anyone or anything kill your laughter. Do not turn your smile into frown. Instead, laugh and smile freely until the day we meet. I cannot dry your tears or embrace you right now, so please take care of yourself. I hope you look at what’s inside the heart of people.

I am praying for you. I will love you whoever you are.
I’m cautious of where my heart lands and I pray that it’s safe in your hands.

I love you to the stars.

Love,

Janine.